The next time I start to get close to someone and start to develop a strong friendship, I think I need to ask them just how long they plan to stick around.
Many of the closest friends I have made since moving to DC have all moved away. K1 kicked off the trend when she left in May, and C left in July, shortly after getting married. After weeks of uncertainty, A left while I was away in Barcelona. K2 drove away exactly a week ago, and this week, F says adieu as well. Perhaps it is due to the transient nature of this city, but I never thought I would have so many chances to watch people I hold dearest to my heart walk (drive, fly, etc.) away.
There was a line in Audrey Niffenegger’s The Time Traveler’s Wife that stood out to me as I re-read the novel earlier this year:
“It’s hard being left behind. […] It’s hard to be the one who stays.”
All my life, I’ve been the one who did the leaving. I left my birthplace as a baby, and left New York as a child. I eschewed going to the same high school as all my friends in order to go to a French school in downtown Toronto, and ended up leaving that school after a few years to finish my secondary education on the other side of the country. After a stint at college in DC, I returned back to Toronto, and since graduation, I’ve been hopping from city to city across continents, leaving friends and loved ones behind as I’ve moved on.
I have complained that it has been extremely hard to move around, to never really settle, to leave friends and family every time new opportunities arose in new places. Sometimes those complaints were vocal, but most often, I kept them to myself and let them manifest in midnight dreams of routine and stability.
Now I realize that it isn’t the leaving that’s difficult. For the person leaving, there’s always new adventures to tackle, new challenges to conquer, new people to meet. On the other side, the person being left behind goes on with their every day life, but with a small piece of emptiness where their friend used to be. That’s never easy.
Indeed, it’s hard to be the one who stays.
(Photo by caruba, found via Maria)
What a beautiful story Sameer. I don’t think anyone else could have put the concept of leaving and being left behind as eloquently as you have. I think it is always tough to feel like you have no one when you leave for a new adventure and it’s scary to be off on your own but as you say, we often overlook what and who we are leaving behind.
I have to say I felt the same way you do when you left and I’m sorry that you have to experience the same thing.
xoxo
I
Just beautiful, Sameer. Heart-wrenchingly beautiful.
I had someone here in Addis tell me that on the weekend: first I ask how long they’re staying. If it’s more than a year, then I bother getting to know them.
A pity.
B
Brendan, I’m sure you know that the first sentence of this post was written tongue-in-cheek. Some of the closest people in my life have been people I have known and interacted with for very short times — days, weeks, sometimes hours — and I would never use length of time as an indicator of quality of friendship.
Sameer, I’ve always been the one to go too. So I get where you’re coming from (I call it my punctuated childhood).
Sometimes I feel like I need a reason to stay.
Hope you find that reason to stay soon Mehnaz.
i know exactly what you’re talking about.
in the past two years, since returning home, i’ve met a lot of new people. many masters students and many just starting their careers.
today my best friend is moving away. we’ve been friends since grade 9 and even did our undergrad at the same university.
looking on the bright side, i get to be one of her ‘my 5’ and there’s always Porter, Westjet and Air Canada when i feel like crashing on her couch.
Thanks for you story. it’s nice to know other people feel the same sense of loss when friends move away.
Thanks Kate, and everyone else. Here’s a little follow-up, a way of looking at moving away or being left behind in a more positive light.
Over the past six months, since moving away to DC, I’ve cultivated one of the closest friendships I’ve ever had. It’s a friendship that makes me smile and feel loved every day. And it’s a friendship with someone that’s not in DC, but instead with someone I left behind in Toronto.
Sometimes, I guess, it takes a bit of distance and bit of perspective to really understand what you’ve got — so being left behind might not always be a cause for feeling empty: it might just help in finding something to help fill that void that was already there.